Almost all successful and happy people are good conversationalists. They have developed an ability to communicate naturally and spontaneously with almost anyone they meet. Good conversationalists are a pleasure to be around, and they are welcome wherever they go. Learning the art and skill of good conversation can help you in virtually every human relationship, both at business and at home.
In this segment, we are going to talk about some of the things that you can do to become a more effective conversationalist. As with anything worthwhile, these ideas require practice, until they become a normal and natural part of your personality. Once you begin putting these points into action, you will feel more confident and competent in your interactions with everyone you meet.
There are three aims and purposes of conversation. The first is the plain enjoyment and pleasure of self-expression and interaction with other people. One of the most enjoyable things we ever do is to spend time with people we like and whose company we find stimulating and fun. This potential pleasure is the driving force behind all of our social activities. We like to get together with people with whom we have a lot in common and just share ideas, letting the conversation go where it will.
The second aim or purpose of conversation is to get to know the other person better. In sales, and in all kinds of business, you require prolonged exposure to another person in order to get a feel for how he or she thinks, feels and reacts. This can't be accomplished in a short meeting.
The third aim of conversation is to build trust and credibility between the two people. This is perhaps the most important thing we do as we proceed through life and it is only possible with the kind of continuous conversation that reveals us to each other.
One of the very best ways to learn about another person is to spend unbroken time in their company. I've found that a two- or three- hour car trip is one of the most revealing experiences you will ever have with another human being. People who have gotten along well for many years, working or socializing together in brief stints, will often find that an extended car trip brings out elements of their personalities that they did not know existed.
Listen Up!
Many people think that the art of good conversation is to speak in an interesting and arresting fashion, to be noted for your humor, ability to tell stories and your general knowledge of a variety of subjects. Many people feel that, if they want to be better at conversation, they must become more articulate, outgoing and expressive. They must become better talkers.
Nothing could be further from the truth. As you've heard many times before, we come into this world with two ears and one mouth and we should use them in that same proportion. In conversation, this simply means that you should listen twice as much as you talk if you want to get a reputation for being an enjoyable person with whom to converse.
In order to be an excellent conversationalist, you must resist the urge to dominate the discussion. The very best conversationalists seem to be a low keyed, easy going, cheerful and genuinely interested in the other person. They seem to be quite content to listen when other people are talking and they make their own contributions to the dialogue rather short and to the point.
Listening is the most important of all skills for successful conversation. Many people are very poor listeners. Since everyone enjoys talking, it takes a real effort to practice the fundamentals of excellent listening.
Here are the four major rules for active listening in a conversation. They work for you whether you are in sales, business, management or conversing with a friend or member of your family. They are powerful, practical and proven techniques to increase your influence with other people dramatically.
One The first key to effective listening is for you to listen attentively, without interruptions. It is a rule that you pay attention to the people you most value. When you pay close attention to another person when he or she is speaking, you signal to that person that you very much value him or her and the content of their comments. This is very flattering to another person and it causes them to respond warmly to your attentiveness.
The major reason that most people are poor listeners is that they are busy preparing a reply while the other person is still speaking. In fact, they are not even listening closely to what the other person is saying. They are thinking of other things and formulating their comments to be ready as soon as the other person takes a breath. But this is not for you. Effective listening requires that you lean slightly forward, face the other person directly and hang on every word. The very best conversationalists seem to have developed the knack of making the person they are listening to feel as if he or she were the only person in the world. Good conversationalists can do this in the middle of a crowded room.
In addition to listening without interrupting, you should also nod, smile and agree with what the person is saying. Be active rather than passive. Indicate that you are totally engaged in the conversation. Make eye contact and mouth contact as the other person talks. Relax your body and, if you are standing, allow your weight to roll forward onto the balls of your feet. Only you will know that you have done this, but the overall impression you will give the speaker is that your whole energy is now forward and focused on what he or she is saying.
two The second key to effective listening is to pause before replying. A short pause, of three to five seconds, is a very classy thing to do in a conversation. When you pause, you accomplish three goals simultaneously.
First, you avoid running the risk of interrupting if the other person is just catching his or her breath prior to continuing to answer your question. Second, you show the other person that you are giving careful consideration to his or her words by not jumping in with your own comments as soon as he or she takes a breath. The third benefit of pausing is that you will actually hear the other person better. His or her words will soak into a deeper level of your mind and you will understand what he or she is saying with greater clarity. When you pause, you mark yourself as a brilliant conversationalist.
three The third key to effective listening is to question for clarification. Never assume that you understand what the person is saying or trying to say. Instead, ask, "How do you mean?" or "How do you mean, exactly?" These are the two most powerful questions I've ever learned for controlling a conversation. They are almost impossible not to answer. When you ask, "How do you mean?" the other person cannot stop himself or herself from answering more extensively. You can then follow up with, "And then what did you do?" and keep the conversation rolling along.
four The fourth key to effective listening is to feed it back and paraphrase the speakers words in your own words. When you nod, smile, agree and then say, "Let me see if I've got this right. What you're saying is . . ." By paraphrasing the speakers words and then feeding them back to him or her, you demonstrate in no uncertain terms that you are genuinely paying attention and making every effort to understand his or her thoughts or feelings. And the wonderful thing is, when you practice effective listening, other people will begin to find you fascinating. You can ask other questions that begin with the five magic words. You can ask questions like, "Why did you decide to do it that way?" "How long have you been living here in this city? "Where did you grow up or go to school?" "When did you start that particular activity?" and "Who do you like most in that particular area?" There are thousands of open-ended questions you can ask, and the more you practice, the more fluent you will become with them The reason listening is such a powerful tool in developing the art and skill of conversation is because listening builds trust. The more you listen to another person, the more he or she trusts you and believes in you.
Finally, listening builds self-discipline in the listener. It takes tremendous self-mastery and self-control to keep your attention focused on the other person. If you do not practice self-discipline in conversation, your mind will wander in a hundred different directions. The more you discipline yourself to pay close attention to what the other person is saying, the more disciplined and self-controlled you will become. By learning to listen well, you actually develop your own character and your own personality.
The underlying quality of good conversationalists is what is called, "Unconditional positive regard." With unconditional positive regard, you remain positive, cheerful and totally accepting of anything that the other person says. You do not judge or criticize. You do not express shock or disagreement. No matter what the other person says, you nod pleasantly, politely and cheerfully and encourage him or her to go on. You make the other person feel comfortable talking to you and with you. You never do or say anything to make him or her feel guarded or hesitant. Your regard for him or her is unconditional and positive.
The final step in becoming a great conversationalist is to practice the friendship factor. The friendship factor is based on the three C's of caring, courtesy and consideration. You've heard it said that, "They don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." Caring is the catalyst in all good relationships. The people you like the best and who like you the best, are the ones with whom you have the most caring relationships.
The second C in the friendship factor is courtesy. It is a magic quality of politeness that causes people to like you and to want to be around you. All good conversationalists are exceptionally courteous, kind, gentle and polite with other people.
The third C in the friendship factor is consideration. One of the major sources of positive emotions is the feeling that we are respected and considered highly by other people. Whenever you treat another person as though you value him or her as an important and worthwhile human being, you trigger this consideration factor. Becoming a good conversationalist is based on learning and practicing the Golden Rule. This simply says that you treat other people the way you would like them to treat you. Just as you would like other people to ask you questions about yourself and to listen attentively to you when you talk, you should extend the same courtesy to them.
